By Yasmina Floyer

I recall a video I saw doing the rounds a while ago, in which women were asked what would get them ‘in the mood’. One woman in the audience raised the largest laugh after explaining, with perfect comic timing, how much of a turn on it would be if her man sorted the laundry, folded the clothes, cleared the dishes…

When we think about the factors which may affect our levels of desire, housework isn’t an obvious one. But to what extent do these mundane domestic tasks impact our sex lives? It turns out, quite a lot! I caught up with sex therapist and author of How Not to Let Having Kids Ruin Your Sex Life (Headline Home, £16.99) Dr Karen Gurney to find out if there really is something to be said for a partner doing the housework that has us feeling hot under the collar, and if there is a link between housework and sex life.

She clarifies that while it may well be a turn on for some people, she never heard of it referred to as erotic by any clients that she has seen in sex therapy. ‘In my experience this term is more of a reference to the freeing impact that the shared division of labour can have on one person’s ability to experience desire or be motivated to experience desire if they have been feeling the weight of that very heavily inequality of household labour.

‘It’s often a surprise to some partners (and affirming for the person carrying the mental load) to hear that the division of labour might be playing a part in their sex life, but it also provides a potential solution (or at least the foundations of one) for them to look at if they would like things to change.’

It is a fact that within mixed-gender households, the lion’s share of domestic work typically falls to women. The Office for National Statistics found that ‘women shoulder the responsibility for “unpaid” work’ — basically, housework and childrearing — finding that women put in double the proportion of unpaid work when it comes to cooking, childcare and housework.

Whilst this study is a decade old, not that much has changed. According to the British Social Attitudes Survey, the unequal division of labour persists, with 63% of women saying they did more than their fair share of the housework even now, so despite shifts in attitudes towards gender roles, the division of labour hasn’t moved much at all.

Housework and sex life: carrying the load

Dr Gurney illustrates the connection between this data with work conducted by researchers such as van Anders et al. (2021) who proposed the ‘Heteronormativity Theory of Low Sexual Desire in Women Partnered with Men’ to explain the process involved from a relational, neurochemical and psychological perspective.

‘This theory seeks to explain how the burden of the mental load itself, the time it takes out of one’s day or week to address, and importantly, the unerotic dynamic of “parenting” another adult can have on desire. It’s been theorised that it’s not a coincidence that women in relationships with men carry an unequal burden of household labour/mental load- even when they work more hours — and that women in relationships with men report having concerns about their sexual desire.’

The uneven division of labour in the household can negatively impact libido, sex and relationship expert Ilka Kemp-Hall agrees, meaning that a person’s brain can’t switch into ‘desire mode’ when it’s still carrying the shopping list, the school schedule, and the emotional thermostat of the entire household. ‘Unequal domestic labour isn’t just a logistical problem — it’s a relational one.

Desire thrives when we feel supported, seen, safe, and like our needs matter too.’ In this way, stress in general is like hitting the brakes on your body’s arousal system, ‘When the stress is ongoing (like managing a household or caregiving or never-ending work pressures) it’s like driving with one foot constantly on the brake. Pleasure, connection, and intimacy live in the nervous system’s calm, not in overwhelm.’

It makes complete sense then the last thing you may feel like doing is having sex due to the detrimental impact that stress has on our sex lives via a series of neurobiological, cognitive and affective processes. Dr Gurney tells me that chronic high stress can, via high levels of cortisol, dampen our body’s physiological response to sexual arousal.

‘Stress can also create distraction and an inability to pay attention to sexual cues as other stressors (in the environment, such as piles of washing, or as thoughts in terms of mental to-do lists) feel more salient.’

She goes on to share that in the context of a relationship, a high mental load may be linked to a reduction in the time, inclination or ability to attend to sexual cues in our bodies or environment.

The desire: labour ratio

Psychosexual therapist Jodie Slee agrees that high stress levels and an excessive mental and emotional load are well-established inhibitors of sexual desire and arousal. ‘From a psychological perspective, chronic stress activates the body’s threat response system, increasing cortisol levels and leaving little room for the parasympathetic processes that support relaxation, arousal, and connection.’

In her professional experience, there is a clear link between the disproportionate amount of unpaid domestic and emotional labour performed by women and a decline in sexual desire, she explains that this is due to:

  1. Good sex means being able to relax and be present, which is impossible with elevated cortisol levels or a never ending to-do list, and it also results in a lack of psychological space for sexuality
  2. Women sometimes feel like they have to take care of their partners as well as the household and kids… some clients complain about feeling like a ‘mother’ to their other half rather than a romantic partner — this isn’t a sexy dynamic to be in
  3. When one partner consistently bears the invisible workload of household management, childcare, it often results in fatigue and resentment, which is like a brick wall for intimacy. Nobody wants to get naked with someone they resent!

But how can we address this? The stress caused by managing a house, work and family life can leave people feeling too overloaded to think about adding their sex life to this already full list. However, Slee tells me that in order to address the factors mentioned, couples can benefit from open and non-defensive dialogue about the distribution of household labour. Ideally, they will move towards a more equal share where all forms of labour are recognised in the relationship.

Kemp-Hall reminds us that it’s not just about the dishes. ‘When a partner shares the emotional and physical load, it communicates care, respect, and shared responsibility. Those are the conditions that help many people — especially those socialised to carry more — feel safe enough to access desire. But I’d like to stress that basic participation shouldn’t always be glorified. The fact that it is often framed as exceptional points to the deeper issue around persistent gendered inequalities and low expectations.’

Slee agrees that also involves women making an active decision to prioritise rest and self-care and to vocalise when there is a disparity in the amount of work each member of the couple are undertaking. ‘Ultimately, when individuals feel supported and respected in their daily lives, they are far more likely to experience the psychological freedom necessary for desire.’ Whilst sharing the load of maintaining the household chores can be one way to address the negative impact that housework can have on our sex lives, I am curious about the idea of actively making time for sex.

The idea of planning for it may seem counter-intuitive and unromantic, but Kemp-Hall assures me that sex doesn’t have to be spontaneous to be satisfying. ‘For many people, especially those juggling full lives, families, and work responsibilities, knowing there’s protected time for intimacy can reduce pressure and create space for desire to emerge.’ I wonder about the potential downsides, whether for some it can begin to feel like a chore, yet another item on the to-do list and something to tick off rather than tune into, then that’s important information.

No one-size-fits-all solution

‘The line between a chore and a chosen practice is often about mindset, meaning, and mutuality. Is this time about connection, pleasure, play? Or is it about obligation?’ Dr Gurney is often asked for her opinion on scheduling sex as a strategy for couples in long-term relationships and her response is equally nuanced. ‘The answer is that scheduling sex is rarely a good idea, as it creates pressure to have to feel/do something, and pressure is a block to desire emerging.

‘On the other hand, scheduling physical intimacy for the sake of physical intimacy (a massage, talking and touching each other’s bodies in bed, a bath together) is always a good idea, as it is both enjoyable in its own right, and provides the perfect environment for our desire to emerge.’

Kemp-Hall reminds us that there is no one-size-fits-all. ‘The key is staying curious and collaborative. Sex can be scheduled and sexy, if it’s something you both want, not something you feel you “should” do. Desire, after all, thrives where there’s freedom, not pressure.’ This has reminded me how much desire is connected to the way we feel in our bodies, how it is impacted by tension we may carry, by the weight of stress, of expectation, of duty even. Perhaps it is these burdens that ought to be tidied away in order to create space within which desire may bloom.