Sexting is exactly what it sounds like – it’s texting about sex. Whether you’re a long-term relationship champ or prefer a cheeky little fling, sexting might be just the thing to get the balls rolling (pun intended)

Sexting allows your deepest, darkest desires to be thrust into the cyber realm of foreplay – a place where you can figure out turn-ons, set boundaries, and have conversations that might otherwise have you cringing in the bed sheets (real kinky stuff). But it’s not just a big role play – it can also be a genuinely helpful tool in expressing what you want from your relationships.

 “Communication about sex is important in a relationship and is the best way to have a satisfying sex life for several reasons,” says Psychosexual & Relationship psychotherapist, Silva Neves.

“First, the more there is communication, the less there are assumptions, which means that the people in the relationship can make informed choices about how to initiate sex and how to have good sex. Making sexual communication an integral part of overall communication normalises these types of talks and reduces the shame around it. It’s like any language, the more we practice, the better and easier it gets.

“Our sexual needs and wants change over time, so good communication about sex helps the people in the relationship to keep in touch with each other’s turn-ons (or offs), and desires,” adds Silva.

And just because you’re typing out your expectations and figuring out sexual compatibility over the phone, it doesn’t make it any less sexy.

According to a 2018 study that interviewed members of the BDSM community, talking online was the preferred method when communicating with their sexual partners – without killing the mood.

Participants shared that texting made it easier to express vulnerability, and that early communication lead to better sexual experiences by reducing misunderstandings and boosting confidence by giving them the space to think about their desires. And for those who didn’t text beforehand, their partners were more likely to read different signals and misalign sexually.

It can also be a question of safety, too. Texting can build trust, and negotiating power dynamics, limits and desires via text not only helps with emotional safety but should be a necessary requirement if you’re doing things responsibly.

“In casual relationships, people often feel they can be more honest in sharing their turn-ons and fantasies in a text, but also their boundaries,” says Silva. “If someone is not quite sure if they want to accept an invitation to do a particular sexual act, they can give themselves more time to think about it without the pressure of answering straight away.”

But this isn’t to say that a cheeky text is only reserved for the casual daters – long-term relationships can also benefit from a little cyber bump n grind.

The long-term

According to Silva, sexting is a good strength to have in more serious partnerships, especially in balancing everyday communications with more erotic ones. “In long-term relationships, it is easy for people to lose the sense of erotic fun while focusing on life tasks such as paying bills, doing food shopping, saving money for a holiday, or parenting children,” he says.

“Of course, these communications are also important, but, often, people leave very little room for erotic communication.

“It can be exciting and titillating to receive a text of sexual nature from your partner in the middle of your work day. It can build anticipation to see your partner in the evening, and it can keep the sense of the erotic alive – the important communication being that partners are not just life partners but also still sexy partners.”

But being serious now, as much as sexting is a fun way to be open and honest about your turn-ons, it’s always important to remember consent when having those conversations.

“It is important to be clear about what is a fantasy (and if it is staying as one) and what is something that they are interested to do in real life, because those things are totally different,” says Silva. “People can engage in sharing fantasies for good sexting but have no intentions to do it in real life. This needs to be explicit.”

“It is also important to agree with sexting partners that those texts remain confidential and can even be deleted later,” he adds. “It would be inappropriate to share those texts with other people without their consent.”

So, no matter how you decide to talk about the cheeky stuff, remember to have fun with it – but make sure you’re comfortable (and double check that your partner is feeling it too).