From libido swings to wandering minds, we asked the experts how ADHD affects sex – and why understanding your brain might be the first step to better intimacy
Words: Amy Mica Marsden. Images: Shutterstock.
The bedroom is one place boredom shouldn’t happen — or at least, that’s what you might tell yourself if you’re one of the estimated 2.6 million adults in the UK with ADHD.
But if you often find yourself distracted, bored, or unable to climax while getting intimate, you’re not broken. ADHD might just be sabotaging your sex life.
It’s especially bad news if you’re a woman: according to a 2020 study of 129 people, females with ADHD reported significantly lower sexual desire, orgasms, and overall sexual satisfaction than females without ADHD.
Meanwhile, the surveyed males with ADHD reported similar sexual desire as males without ADHD but still experienced lower rates of orgasms, erectile function, and overall sexual satisfaction.
What does ADHD have to do with sex?
Several common issues can crop up if you have an ADHD brain, including either low or high libido (hypo- or hypersexuality), difficulty concentrating on the deed, trouble with transitions, hypersensitivity, and more.
‘These experiences are far more common than many people realise,’ says Psychosexual and Relationship Therapist, Laura Stannard.
‘Some people notice a lower level of sexual desire, often linked to mental fatigue, overwhelm, or the effort it takes to switch out of “doing mode” and into intimacy. For others, staying present during sex can be difficult — a busy or distracted mind can interrupt enjoyment, arousal, or orgasm.’
Hyposexuality vs Hypersexuality
It’s important to note that the problems faced by one person with ADHD will likely never be the same as those of anyone else with ADHD; that is to say that each person might have their own unique ‘blend’ of symptoms.
Libido often comes into the picture, though. Those with ADHD might struggle with a notably low sex drive (hyposexuality) or, on the opposite end of the spectrum, one which is notably high (hypersexuality).
This can present as feeling generally uninterested in sex or being unable to ‘keep up’ with a partner; or perhaps you’re the one whose partner can’t keep up with you. Either way, this mismatch can often create a sense of rejection or resentment, whether the relationship is otherwise healthy or not.
The key, as with many things, is communication.
That’s what therapist, coach and speaker Karen Doherty is keen to emphasise. ‘Remember that partners can feel equally confused, think that they are doing something wrong, get hurt and withdraw, feeling unwanted and bad at sex.’
Karen says that this can leave you or your partner ‘fearful of initiating’ sex, becoming a vicious cycle.
‘The communication of these differences with partners is critical — for both parties,’ she adds.
Where’s your head at?
If you often find yourself struggling to concentrate or ‘stay in the moment’ while doing the deed, ADHD could be to blame here, too.
But what should you do if you find your mind wandering off towards the washing up, or the latest episode of Bridgerton, mid-intimacy?
‘One of the most important starting points is reducing blame and pressure,’ says Laura.
‘Getting distracted during sex is very common for people with ADHD and doesn’t mean you’re not enjoying yourself or that there’s something wrong with you or your relationship.’
Laura recommends gently bringing your attention back to any physical sensations you might be feeling if you catch your mind straying elsewhere.
‘Focusing on where you’re being touched and noticing the temperature, pressure, or texture can bring you out of your head and back into your body, which often supports arousal and pleasure. Sex doesn’t need perfect focus to be meaningful or enjoyable.’
Boredom and novelty
And what if you just feel, well, kind of bored sometimes? It might not be the worst thing ever.
‘A desire for novelty can mean being more open to trying new things, experimenting, and keeping intimacy fresh. For some people, this energy and curiosity can feel exciting and deeply connecting,’ explains Laura.
With that in mind, if sex is starting to feel too ‘routine’, speak with your partner about trying new ways to initiate sex, new foreplay strategies, roleplay, toys, or whatever else works for your relationship.
It could lead to some exciting new discoveries for you and your partner — or just a deeper understanding of the problems ADHDers can face, if nothing else.
And if you’re still struggling? Laura emphasises the importance of self-compassion above all else.
‘Sex isn’t meant to be perfect every time. Being kind to yourself — and recognising that ADHD shapes experience rather than ruins it — can make a meaningful difference over time.’
Karen Doherty is a therapist, coach and speaker who has specialised in neurodiversity for the past ten years. Visit karendohertycoaching.co.uk
Laura Stannard is a Psychosexual and Relationship Therapist supporting ADHD & AuDHD clients when intimacy, desire, or connection feels difficult. Visit laurastannardtherapy.com
