Growing up with a narcissistic parent can have a big impact on us in adulthood – and many worry that it might get passed on to them or even their children. Here’s how to spot the warning signs – and how to combat it
Words: Amy Mica Marsden. Images: Shutterstock, Pexels
Picture this: you’re out celebrating a promotion after years of hard work and instead of congratulating you, your mother criticises how you’re dressed for the occasion, complains about your chosen career path, or just makes the whole day about herself and takes all the credit.
But this isn’t just a one-off – instead, it’s a pattern which has repeated itself throughout your entire life.
Sound familiar? You may have a narcissistic parent.
What is narcissism?
Narcissism isn’t just being a bit inconsiderate or selfish – it’s a personality disorder characterised by a pattern of extreme self-involvement, a strong need for admiration and recognition (even when the situation doesn’t call for it), and a lack of empathy for others.
People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) often believe they are special or more important than others and will lash out or become defensive when anything challenges their self-view; they may also take advantage of others or manipulate situations to reinforce their own superiority.
The disorder can come from a neglectful childhood, experiencing abuse, or a dysfunctional home life growing up, though not everyone who has faced these experiences will become a narcissist.
What does a narcissistic mother look like?
It can be difficult to realise that you have grown up with a narcissistic mother until later in life – especially if you haven’t had much exposure to other, non-narcissistic, families.
Some signs that your mother may be a narcissist could be that she has an excessive need to be the centre of attention even on days that are more important to others, for example, at someone else’s wedding or graduation.
She may demean or criticise you or make derogatory remarks, even if they visibly hurt your feelings – when confronted, she might tell you she knows best or that you’re too sensitive. She may even become upset, but in a way that makes the situation all about her again, such as saying ‘I suppose I’m such a horrible mother, I’ll leave you alone from now on’, forcing you to comfort her and thus bury the original issue once more.
She may lie constantly to get what she wants, become jealous easily, and dismiss or invalidate your feelings – such as telling you you have a ‘vivid imagination’ when discussing her problems.
While these are not indicative of a diagnosis, if they sound familiar, it may be useful to look into it further.
It may also feel like you’re destined to become the same if this is the behaviour you’ve been shown in your most formative years growing up. But don’t worry, it’s not necessarily the case.
Does this make me a narcissist, too?
“For most of us, what we’ve had modelled growing up plays a key role in shaping our thinking and behaviour,” says Dr Sarah Davies, Chartered Psychologist and author of Raised by Narcissists: How to Handle Your Difficult, Toxic and Abusive Parents, “…obviously if we’ve had a very selfish, self-absorbed parent we won’t have seen them consider others, or take personal responsibility or accountability for their actions.”
But, Dr Davies says, instead of copying this behaviour, it may actually push us in the other direction.
“Narcissistic people, by the nature of being narcissistic in their thinking, really lack self-awareness and the ability to self-reflect honestly or accurately. Instead, they have a stance where they believe that any issues are somebody else’s fault and therefore somebody else’s responsibility to do something about it.
“Often, adult children of narcissists are actually very self-reflective and conscious and keen to not be like their difficult or toxic parent – and that can be a great driver to ensure they are doing things differently!”
In fact, a study titled Origins of narcissism in children conducted by researchers at Princeton University found that, after following 565 children and their parents for two years and repeatedly having them fill in questionnaires, ‘a lack of parental warmth did not predict narcissism over time’.
In other words, the study found that the stronger predictor of narcissism in children was being overvalued by their parents – i.e. told that they were special, and held up on a pedestal – something which they found narcissistic parents were less likely to do.
Danu Morrigan, author of How To Go No-Contact With Your Narcissistic Mother, lived with her NPD mother and ‘enabler’ father for years and does believe there could be a genetic link, though.
“I can certainly clearly identify [NPD] in my own family tree now that I know what to look for,” she says, “even in people I never met, just based on family lore.”
“There is a possibility that the daughter of a narcissistic mother can be a narcissist herself. Some of her siblings may well be, as she will know to her cost.”
Growing up with a narcissist
So what does the impact of growing up with a narcissistic mother look like when we reach adulthood?
“Some people may find that they behave similarly [to their narcissistic parent] but there is a huge, huge difference between having a core narcissistic personality and copying behaviours we’ve seen whilst growing up,” says Dr Sarah Davies.
This is something which Danu Morrigan calls ‘fleas’ – learned behaviours which daughters of narcissistic mothers may exhibit. She describes a particular pattern of sulking when upset, making her husband jump through hoops to find out the cause and fix it.
“That was exactly how my mother behaved, so that is what I learned. But I was able to realise that this behaviour was completely wrong, apologise, and change my response to one of direct communication.”
In fact, children of narcissistic parents are more likely to have adapted into being chronic people-pleasers, over-apologisers, and avoidant of conflict. They may deal with anxiety or low self-esteem and have difficulty setting boundaries.
What to do if I’m worried?
If you’re worried you may have inherited NPD, this could be an indicator to the contrary, as it shows a level of self-awareness that narcissists often lack.
“I think it’s safe to say that anyone who truly worries that they might be a narcissist, is not,” says Danu. “A narcissist simply wouldn’t doubt herself or her perfection enough to ask that question.”
It’s also not necessarily a permanent diagnosis, and with self-reflection and help from professional therapists and support groups, many have been able to change their mindset and grow into adults who are more empathetic and accepting of others.
Dr. Sarah Davies is a Chartered Integrative Counselling Psychologist and Author offering individual private therapy to adults as well as a range of online courses and self-help books. Visit her at drsarahdavies.com
