Whether you’re at home or work, visiting with friends or catching up with family, the start of the year can stir up old emotions and leave us feeling a little off-kilter. Because new year stress doesn’t just come from the dark, the weather or even the lack of cash — it’s also from the people around us.
Words: Kellie Gillespie-Wright
So if you’d like this to be a new year featuring less blazing rows and more calm, loving connection — plus a lot less stress — then it’s time to think about the way we interact with other people, and see how we can take steps to look after ourselves.
Families, friends, colleagues, and even strangers bring a heady mix of expectations and unspoken tensions — and we’re always on the look out for trouble, whether we’re aware of it or not. Dr Sophie Mort, clinical psychologist, mental health expert for Headspace and bestselling author of A Manual for Being Human, explains: ‘The nervous system is always scanning for cues of safety or danger, what we call neuroception. In emotionally charged environments — whether it’s a family gathering or a workplace setting — we’re not just reacting to what’s happening in the moment. We’re responding to a nervous-system memory of past interactions.’
This internal scanning happens in relation to those around us. We’re inherently social creatures, and through mechanisms like emotional contagion and the mirror-neuron system, we pick up on the emotional states of others, often without even realising it. ‘It’s not just about facial expressions,’ says Dr Mort. ‘We pick up on changes in breathing, muscle tension, voice tone, or pacing. If someone in the room is anxious or upset, others might start feeling uneasy or snappy without even understanding why. This isn’t a weakness. It’s our brain trying to keep the group regulated and safe.’
Unexplainable shifts
The result? We can absorb other people’s tension as if it’s our own. Dr Mort says the signs often show up in your body before you even recognise them: ‘Shoulders creeping up, jaw tightening, breath getting shallow. You might feel off without knowing why.’
There’s also a mental cost: ‘You start problem-solving things no one asked you to fix, or monitoring other people’s moods like it’s your job,’ she says. It’s a classic sign of emotional over-functioning. And that unexplainable shift in mood is a red flag: ‘My mood shifted, but nothing actually happened to me.’
That feeling — a sudden change in mood with no clear cause — often signals that you’ve absorbed more than your share. Dr Mort notes, ‘When we attune to someone else’s distress without grounding ourselves first, we can easily get swept away. You stop feeling like yourself, your thoughts start racing, your chest tightens, or you feel an urge to “fix” something.’
This is where nervous-system hygiene becomes key. Dr Mort advises, ‘The first step is always to return to your body, because that’s where your regulation lives. Feel the weight of your feet on the floor or the pressure of your back against a chair.’
She also recommends regular check-ins with yourself this new year: ‘Anchoring yourself is about gently pausing and asking, “What do I need to feel like myself right now?”’ That might mean stepping outside for a few minutes, skipping an event that doesn’t serve you, or simply accepting that ‘good enough’ is enough for now.
Reconnect with yourself this new year
Other helpful cues include taking slow, conscious breaths and reminding yourself, ‘I’m here, I’m safe, I have choice.’ Or simply washing your hands with cold water. As Dr Mort explains, ‘These actions help reset your nervous system faster than trying to think your way out of a feeling.’
Chantal Dempsey, a wellbeing expert, encourages people to reconnect with their own rhythm, especially at the start of a new year: ‘Take some time and space to just be. Enjoy, feel. Step outside the noise and take a moment — even five minutes with a cup of tea or a quick walk alone. You’re allowed to step away from any situation that feels draining. Protect your peace in the same way you’d protect someone else’s.’
If you’re spending time with others, it’s also helpful to create psychological distance from the group dynamic without completely disconnecting. Dr Mort suggests a powerful tool: ‘Quietly name what’s happening. Say to yourself, “This isn’t mine,” or “This is tension in the room, not inside me.”’ By doing this, you can maintain a boundary between your emotional state and the collective one around you.
Bring small changes into the new year
In moments of rising tension — whether at work, in a family setting, or during a social gathering — small changes in the environment can often help more than trying to address the emotions directly.
Dr Mort suggests: ‘Soften the lighting, open a window, play calming music, or suggest a brief walk.’ She says that group regulation often happens through small actions: ‘Offering someone a drink, asking a practical question, starting a simple task. These cues help ease the group’s tension more effectively than trying to get everyone to calm down.’
Side-by-side connection is another powerful tool. If you know certain settings or gatherings can get tense, bring something structured — like a game, a puzzle, or a cooking project. This creates shared focus and helps people connect without falling into uncomfortable or emotionally charged conversations.
Don’t take responsibility
However, some emotional patterns run deep, especially if you often find yourself slipping into the role of emotional anchor for others. As Emma Reed Turrell, therapist and author of What Am I Missing? explains, ‘Your nervous system learned that keeping others calm felt like the only way to stay safe or connected.’ The good news? You can choose a new way. ‘Begin by acknowledging that you’re allowed to care without carrying. Say to yourself, “I’m here with you, but I’m going to stay with myself too.”’
Reed Turrell adds, ‘You’re not responsible for other people’s moods, even if they’ve convinced you otherwise.
‘You don’t have to hold everyone together; you just have to hold yourself steady. Instead of being the glue, be the gravity — grounded, calm, and letting others orbit responsibly around you.’
Helen Russell, happiness researcher and author of The Year of Living Danishly, offers a practical barometer for how to gauge your choices: ‘Noticing how we feel afterward helps. If we’re depleted, it was duty. If we feel warm and weirdly hopeful about humanity, that’s connection.’
And if you’re still unsure how to stay calm and steady as you embark on the new year, return to the basics. Dr Mort suggests, ‘Start and end each day with a moment of regulation. In the morning, check in with your body. In the evening, let your system settle with a warm drink, a few long exhales, or something comforting.’ These simple habits help remind your nervous system that safety and connection are always possible — whatever day of the year it is.
Create mental ‘firewalls’
When you feel yourself absorbing someone else’s stress, practise creating mental boundaries by visualising a protective layer around you — a mental ‘firewall’ that keeps external energy from overwhelming you. You can imagine it as a shield of light or a bubble that filters out negativity while letting positive energy in. This mental imagery can act as a simple but effective tool to help you maintain your emotional distance without disconnecting from the people around you.
How to use it: Before entering a stressful situation, take a few deep breaths and visualise your bubble. Remind yourself that you’re there to engage, but you are not responsible for everyone’s emotions.
Develop ‘Emotional First Aid’ routines
Just like physical first aid, emotional first aid can be a routine that you can fall back on when you feel overwhelmed. This can include practices that you do regularly to reset your emotional state — like a quick journaling exercise, listening to a favourite song, or practising a few minutes of deep breathing.
How to use it: Keep a list of ‘first aid’ activities that help you reset when you start feeling overwhelmed. Treat these as go-to tools for emotional recalibration.
Schedule intentional quiet time
Finding pockets of quiet time can be incredibly restorative. This isn’t about isolating yourself but creating intentional moments of solitude to clear your mind and reconnect with yourself. This practice allows you to reset and recharge energy reserves.
How to use it: Schedule short blocks of quiet time throughout your week — whether that’s a 10-minute solo walk, a quiet cup of coffee in the morning, or a quick break from social media. These moments can act as emotional refuelling stations, helping you recharge for the next interaction.
Practise non-attachment
Non-attachment is the practice of observing emotions and situations without becoming emotionally entangled in them. This doesn’t mean you ignore or dismiss other people’s feelings, but rather that you observe them without feeling compelled to take them on as your own. It’s about learning to maintain emotional equanimity regardless of what others are experiencing
How to use it: When you feel yourself being drawn into someone else’s emotional drama, practise simply noticing the feelings without judgement or engagement. Acknowledge, ‘I see that you’re upset,’ but then consciously choose to remain grounded in your own emotional space instead of getting bound up in theirs. You can say to yourself, ‘This is yours, not mine,’ and allow yourself to maintain a sense of emotional neutrality.
Cultivate the ‘pause and reflect’ habit
Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, we react impulsively to the emotions around us. But instead of instantly jumping into problem-solving mode, try developing the habit of pausing for a few seconds to reflect before responding. This allows your brain to assess the situation more clearly, helping you choose a response that aligns with your emotional boundaries instead of being swept up in the group dynamic.
How to use it: When you sense tension escalating, take a brief pause. Count to three or take a deep breath before responding. During that pause, ask yourself, ‘Do I really need to engage with this right now, or can I let it go?’ This simple habit of pausing creates space for clarity and helps you respond thoughtfully, rather than react impulsively.
