For Eve Stanway and Rachanaa Tulsyan, divorce wasn’t the disaster they feared – it was the turning point they needed. Here, they share the messy, painful and ultimately liberating truth about what it really takes to walk away with dignity.
Words: Eve Stanway, Rachanaa Tulsyan. Images: Shutterstock/authors’ supplied.
Every year, the first Monday of January is dubbed Divorce Day, when family lawyers brace for an avalanche of enquiries as couples who limped through Christmas finally call time.
But what if that’s you? What if this year, you’re the one staring at a marriage that’s come undone? Before you reach for the wine or your solicitor’s number, take a breath.
Divorce doesn’t have to mean disaster. For Eve Stanway and Rachanaa Tulsyan, ending their marriages was the hardest and most liberating decision of their lives. Here, they share their hard-won wisdom on how to walk away with dignity and start again.
‘My marriage ended in Epping Forest’
London-based coach and therapist Eve Stanway, author of Conversations from the Shoreline (£13.99, Book Brilliance Publishing)
We were walking through Epping Forest, when my husband told me he wanted a divorce.
There was no argument, no warning – just the crunch of our footsteps on the leaves beneath our feet and then the words that split my life clean in two. ‘You’re asking for a divorce,’ I said. He nodded. The world tilted.
My first thought was, ‘Not now.’ Our daughter was about to start secondary school; our son had GCSEs looming. My second thought, the one that made my stomach drop, was, ‘Maybe he’s right.’
From the outside, we looked perfect. Together since university, finally married after 17 years, two children, a warm home, endless parties. The golden couple, they said. Inside, we were crumbling, two people fighting to be heard, to be right, to be seen.
Therapy hadn’t fixed it. Marriage hadn’t fixed it. We stopped reaching for each other, physically, emotionally, conversationally. I spoke; he didn’t look up. I convinced myself I was the glue holding our family together. I didn’t realise the glue had hardened, cracking under its own pressure.
When he left, I was heartbroken, furious and, somewhere deep beneath the ache, relieved. A door had opened. The legal process was brutal, mediation failed, court was cold and mechanical – but the real battle was internal.
I had to face my part, my silence, my need for control. Now, as a break-up coach, I tell my clients what I learned that day in the forest: divorce isn’t the end of your story. It’s the moment you finally begin again and it starts by looking within.
How do you end something without destroying it?
Drawing on Eve’s background in philosophy, psychotherapy and conflict negotiation (she has studied everything from police de-escalation manuals to hostage-negotiation handbooks), Eve has developed a framework for navigating conflict.
Eve’s dignified-divorce method boils down to three deceptively simple words: Clarify. Communicate. Correct.
1. Clarify: Know what’s really happening Before you speak, plant your feet on the floor, take a breath, and write down: l What is actually happening (not the backstory, the specific situation). l What outcome do I want from this conversation? Example: ‘We need to agree how to tell the children.’ Outcome: ‘We want to tell them together, calmly, and answer all of their questions.’ Fear shrinks when facts are clear. It’s not about being right; it’s about being specific.
2. Communicate: Speak to be heard, listen to understand Stop trying to win. Start trying to learn. l Begin with what you want to achieve, not what they did wrong. l Ask curious questions: ‘What would make this easier for you?’ l Keep sentences short and neutral. ‘I’m not trying to win; I’m trying to be clear. Here’s what I need. What do you need?’
3. Correct: When it wobbles, steady it When voices rise, name the wobble. ‘We’re getting heated – can we come back to the plan for next week?’
Meet Eve Stanway
Psychotherapist, accredited breakup and divorce coach and author Eve specialises in helping couples and families navigate separation with clarity, compassion and calm. Her signature method – Clarify, Communicate, Correct – teaches how to have hard conversations without losing your head (or your heart). evestanway.co.uk
‘Divorce isn’t the end; it’s an invitation to rediscover who you are’
Rachanaa Tulsyan is a coach who works with clients worldwide, helping women recognise controlling or unhealthy patterns, rebuild self-sufficiency, and rediscover joy in their own company.
When my second marriage ended, I realised something had to change – and that something was me. Both of my relationships had started with love and ended in control. In my last relationship, my husband seemed kind and attentive, the sort of man who opened doors, asked my opinion, and said all the right things.
But behind closed doors, the mask slipped. I began to see echoes of his childhood playing out in our marriage: his mother had ruled the household, and he, unconsciously, had learned to dominate too. (If you’re worried something feels off in your relationship, or someone you know, read about how to spot coercive control.)
‘You’re my wife,’ he’d say. ‘You should behave like one.’ Meals, money, even my time – everything became his to manage. At the time, I didn’t see it for what it was: control disguised as care. I had been conditioned to believe that being a “good wife” meant keeping the peace, even at the cost of myself. When I finally left, I carried not just the grief of divorce, but the shame of having “failed” twice.
But through that pain, something extraordinary happened: I woke up. I realised that unless I picked up the pen and rewrote my own story, I would forever remain a character in someone else’s.
So, I rebuilt. I learnt to sit with myself, to travel alone, to earn my own money, and to love my own company. I stopped waiting to be chosen and started choosing myself.
I no longer see love as something to rescue me but rather partnership, equality and freedom. Today, I help other women do the same. Divorce isn’t the end, it’s an invitation; to rediscover who you are, what you want, and what you will never again settle for.
How to build your life after divorce
1. Choose self-awareness over blame
Before labelling someone “toxic” or “a narcissist”, ask what patterns from your own upbringing you might be unconsciously replaying.
2. Learn to enjoy your own company
Until you love yourself, you can’t truly love anyone else. Practise doing things solo: travel, dine, walk, or simply sit with yourself without feeling lonely or bored.
3. Rewrite your story
Don’t keep living the script society gave you – marriage, children, happily-ever-after. Define what fulfilment means to you and start there. Ultimately, healing is an act of authorship. You can lose a marriage and still find yourself. Many of my clients go on to start new careers, relationships, and creative projects after divorce.
4. Build financial independence
No job is too small. Even earning a little restores confidence and autonomy.
5. Replace need with choice
The ultimate goal? Be so fulfilled that love becomes a choice, not a necessity.
6. Reclaim your identity
Start small: daily journalling, walking in nature, re-establishing your routines. You have to rebuild somewhere safe – inside and out.
7. If you start dating again…
Spot the red flags early. Pay attention to how your date treats other people – the waiter, the parking attendant, their parents – because everyday interactions reveal far more than charm.
Don’t mistake control for care; what feels like attentiveness can easily slip into possessiveness. And if you can, observe the family dynamic too – the way they speak to and about their parents often predicts how they’ll treat you.
Meet Rachanaa Tulsyan
Trauma liberation mentor, transforming hypnotherapist and master practitioner in challenging domestic abuse, Rachanaa is the founder of The Sovereign Circle, a thriving community for women and men who have risen beyond their scars and are rewriting their own stories. Through the C.L.A.I.M framework, Rachanaa helps women reclaim their confidence and freedom after toxic relationships.
Through transforming hypnotherapy, she enables her clients to attract partners who are emotionally available and helps them to rewire their neural pathways through age regression, parts therapy, and gestalt techniques to transition their lives and claim their future. risebeyondtoxic.com
