We’re told that when it comes to love, we should always lead with our gut – but what do you do when your intuition is telling you that you’re in the wrong relationship? If you’ve been pushing cold feet to the back of your mind, here’s why you might want to stop ignoring it
Words: Amy Dowrick | Images: Shutterstock
It’s not uncommon to have second thoughts while you’re in a relationship. Whether the spark has started dimming, conversation is feeling forced or boxes that were once ticked are now not making the cut, many long-term relationships naturally ebb and flow. But at what point do you stop giving your partner the benefit of the doubt, and truly confront your gut feeling?
“I meet brilliant women who seek me out to ask advice on relationships that are well past their sell by date,” says Gillian, CEO of elite matchmaking agency Drawing Down the Moon. “Having poured endless energy into a ‘fixer-upper’ in the same way they might turn a company around, or renovate a particularly tricky Georgian townhouse, while their boyfriend originally checked a few basic boxes on their wish list, these fabulous women are wilfully ignoring a persistent gut feeling that something is fundamentally off.”
“They stay out of habit or even worse, because of the time and effort they put into polishing this rough carbon into the glittering jewel they deserve,” she adds. “Often hoping that if they just give it a little more time, the relationship, or their partner, will magically transform.”
But according to Gillian, staying in a relationship that is unrewarding, crushing and slowly ebbing away at your daily life is simply blocking the path for the person you do deserve. So, when should you call it quits – and how?
How to know if your relationship isn’t working anymore
Gillian says that in a healthy relationship, clear intention is key – so start by asking yourself if your partner really follows through.
“How does he communicate once the initial excitement (often known as the honeymoon phase) settles? Is he responsive, clear, and eager to make time for you, or does he become distant and non-committal?”
“Is getting a date night out of him like pulling teeth? Or are you constantly wondering what he is thinking? If you are constantly micro-analysing his behaviour, the emotional return on your investment is officially in the red,” she says.
According to Gillian, true compatibility isn’t forged over candlelit dinners; it is revealed in how two people handle stress, fatigue, routine, and disappointment.
“What happens in your relationship when life gets busy? Does your boyfriend maintain consistency, or does he pull back, leaving you guessing where you stand? Confusion is always a conclusion,” she says. “Whenever you are feeling confused, you know one thing. They are not interested in you.”
“Having shared interests with your other half, such as loving the same restaurants or holiday spots, is easy,” she adds. “Real alignment in a long-term relationship always runs much deeper.”
“Ask yourself if you are aligned on your long-term goals, family, lifestyle, and career ambitions. Think about how he makes you feel – is it safe, secure, and confident in who you are as a couple? If you can’t align on where you want to go, what you want to achieve together, then your connection will eventually crumble – no matter how hot they might be.”
And if any of this is sounding familiar, get out the red flags – Gillian says it is time to break up and move on.
“If your relationship only functions under ideal conditions, or if you find yourself treading on eggshells, constantly managing his insecurities, or making excuses for his lack of ambition, you are dating a project that will never end.”
Why you should never stay in an uncertain relationship
While leaving a relationship can be tricky, it’s important to bring the focus on what you deserve in the future – not what had you hoped for in this one.
“You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who shows up fully in the present – not someone who you think may have some hidden potential that you could possibly unearth.”
“Ending a relationship is rarely easy, but staying in a situation that chips away at your self-worth is far worse,” she adds. “In all relationships, your first priority should be keeping your self-preservation intact, which will happen in a healthy relationship.”
According to Gillian, if you’re spending more time managing the relationship than enjoying it, then it is time to rebuild your boundaries – and clear the space for a partner who meets your standards.
And remember not to lower them or feel guilty for having set them so high – the right person will meet them, after all.
Gillian McCallum is CEO of Drawing Down the Moon – the UK’s most trusted and longest-standing matchmaking agency. She has a wealth of knowledge and insight regarding human interaction, connection and relationships, and has an unrivalled passion for connecting people based on values as well as an uncanny gift of identifying what makes two people truly compatible. For more information visit drawingdownthemoon.co.uk
