If you’re having chat sex with an AI bot who always knows just what to say and you never have to reciprocate, real-life sex is going to become boring and frustrating…
Words: Aly Bullock
Technology has helped millions of couples bridge the gap of distance, learn relationship skills that save marriages, and even remember the grocery list so as not to start a fight. It has also made affairs instantly accessible, replaced couple time with ‘brain rot’
scrolling, and become an overstimulating background noise that colours conversations with stress and distraction. Ping.
The double-edged sword of digital intimacy
As a licensed couples therapist and head of relationships at Paired, I’m constantly weighing the pros and cons of tech, and its impact on relationships. One thing keeps coming to mind: technology is neither good nor bad — it’s a tool.
The same app that damages one couple’s bond can save another’s, depending on how it’s used. The same phone that sends ‘I love you’ every night can also be used to call a secret lover. Instead of avoiding tech altogether, we need to pay attention to how our use impacts our relationships daily and then create boundaries and habits that maximise the benefits while minimising the risks.
When AI becomes the third wheel
Let’s take AI as an example. AI is everywhere now. Whether you like it or not, it’s a tool that is here to stay. Couples these days are using AI to plan their dates (if you haven’t tried this yet, I’ll give you a script in the box opposite!), to interpret what their partner says, and even to give them dirty talk ideas that they think their partner would be into.
Yet, without personal guardrails and boundaries, a person in a committed, human relationship can also end up in an addictive and validating relationship with an AI companion, and start to keep this a secret just as they would a human affair.
Harmless, you think? Not harmless. If you’re having chat sex with your AI bot who always knows just the right thing to say or do and you never have to reciprocate, real life sex is going to become boring and frustrating quickly. When you’re trying to determine which AI or tech activities to spend your time on, the question to ask yourself is: Is this helping or harming my relationship? In Jeremy’s case, what felt like finding community quickly turned into confiding in strangers rather than in Lucy, ultimately leading him to quietly quit the relationship before she was aware there was a problem.
Privacy and boundaries in the digital age
I can’t talk about love and tech without also addressing the obvious — privacy. Relationships are vulnerable and it can feel risky to share sensitive data online. The truth is, it’s nearly impossible to know where that data ends up.
A few years ago I was driving with one of my best friends and she asked me to pick up her phone and start the navigation. Whoops!! She squeaked as she saw a personal sexy pic she had sent to her husband. We laughed about it, but this really drove home the point for me that even when you think something is private, it rarely is.
Remember the Ashley Madison data breach in 2015? Millions of affairs were exposed overnight. That’s the reality of our digital age.
I don’t share this to alarm, but to emphasise: couple information deserves boundaries.
Operate under the assumption that anything could leak. If you’re okay with that, great! If not, be cautious. And remember, it’s couple information, not just personal information, so you’ve got to have a conversation with your partner and agree together on what technology use you are comfortable with as a unit.
Tech that brings us closer
Although there’s plenty of doom and gloom to go around, working in the relationship tech space has given me a new appreciation for the way that technology enhances (not replaces) real, human connection.
Through Paired, we’ve used AI to create personalised relationship insights that help couples identify their strength and growth areas. Here, AI is sparking conversations couples might not think to have on their own, surfacing unexpected but important topics that deepen connection. And couples are encouraged to address these problems together.
When my question of the day asks ‘How do you heal after an argument?’ and I read my husband’s response: ‘A hug means so much to me, I don’t need much else.’ I smile, I put down my phone, and I go find him. I embrace him and breathe into that feeling of being settled in someone’s arms. He smiles at me and asks ‘what was that for?’ and I say ‘just because…’
