Butterflies. The spark. Goosebumps. Whatever you call it, we’ve all experienced nail-biting chemistry with someone we think is the perfect match – but does it mean you’re actually compatible? Turns out, not quite
Words: Amy Dowrick | Images: Shutterstock
When it comes to finding lasting love, many feel the pressure to make sure that any potential match is ‘the one’. You swipe for dates that feel exhilarating, hang onto every last text and yearn for a sign that gets your heart racing – but why doesn’t it last? Turns out you’re looking at entirely the wrong thing.
According to expert matchmaker Gillian McCallum, if the foundations you’re using to build a genuine connection are entirely dependent on feeling a ‘spark’, it’s probably not going to work out – and if it does, it’s not in your best interest to let it. But then how do you truly find ‘the one’ if you can’t trust the butterflies?
What is chemistry?
“I can confidently tell you that ‘chemistry’ is just lust with a marketing budget,” says Gillian, CEO of elite matchmaking agency Drawing Down the Moon. “By allowing lust to be the deciding initial factor in partner selection, you are actively sabotaging your chances of finding genuine, lasting love.”
And according to Gillian, pop culture might be to blame. From shouting from the rooftops to love at first sight, we have been conditioned to expect a dizzying, heart-pacing surge of instant attraction that is enough to stop the world spinning – but it’s not real life.
“We have been indoctrinated to wrap this physiological event in a bow of destiny and call it ‘chemistry’,” she adds. “In reality, that instant surge is rarely a sign of deep, soul-level alignment – it is simply a cocktail of primal physical impulse, novelty, oxytocin and dopamine.”
Gillian says that what many daters mistake for instant chemistry is actually an activated nervous system responding to unpredictability, emotional unavailability, or subtle game-playing – which is why you mistake that pang in your chest for butterflies.
“When someone is inconsistent, breadcrumbing you with just enough attention to keep you hooked, your body experiences spikes of stress and anxiety,” she says. “What we often mistake for falling in love, is actually the body’s stress system going into overdrive.”
“Lust is a master marketeer. It confuses us into thinking that temporary physical excitement and anxious anticipation is some measure for long-term compatibility. It promises what is essentially a mirage – namely a lifetime of passion in a volatile relationship that is built on sex, not scruples.”
Why chemistry is a red flag
Chemistry should never be at the top of your romantic checklist – and according to Gillian, it can actually become a barrier to finding genuine happiness.
“Firstly, you overlook red flags,” she says. “Chemistry operates like a blinker. When physical attraction or dramatic intrigue is intense early on, it creates an artificial high that blinds you to critical flaws.”
From making excuses for poor communication, conflicting values, or a fundamental lack of emotional readiness, Gillian says that you can end up falling for a ‘fixer-upper’ partner and waste months – even years – defending a relationship simply because that initial spark convinced you they were special.
“Men shouldn’t get a free pass just because you are attracted to them,” she says. “If the relationship leaves you constantly guessing where you stand, feeling confused over motivations, actions, or wondering if they like you, they don’t. Confusion only ever means one thing: the person you are with, does not want to be with you.”
“Perhaps the greatest tragedy of chasing instant chemistry is that it causes women to discard exceptional men after just one coffee,” she adds. “I routinely watch women walk away from kind, stable, intelligent, and humorous partners because they didn’t feel a dramatic surge of fireworks on date one.”
“It can be easy to dismiss potential partners if there is no buzz or excitement – but that is often the very green dating flag you should be looking for.”
What you should really chase in a relationship
According to Gillian, true relationship compatibility is rarely noisy or dramatic on a first encounter – nor does it show up as a racing pulse or restless butterflies.
“True compatibility feels like ease, comfort, and emotional safety – feelings that modern daters have been conditioned to misdiagnose as boring or lacking in spark,” she says. “By demanding instant fireworks, you miss out on getting to date and build a life with a romantic partner with whom you could build an extraordinary life.”
“Many single women enter the dating arena with an exhaustive mental (or written!) shopping list with height requirements, specific income brackets, taste in music, or an exact social profile,” she adds. “But these superficial metrics have zero correlation with whether someone will make a devoted, loving partner.”
“None of these things tell us anything about your potential significant other’s values, which is the only thing you should be looking at in a potential partner for you.”
“When you focus too heavily on finding someone who checks every arbitrary box, you limit your world, and more importantly, your chance of finding love.”
Instead of evaluating your date against a rigid checklist, Gillian suggests you shift your focus to core values and long-term trajectory.
“Ask yourself if your life goals align, if the person shows up reliably, communicates respectfully, and treats others with genuine kindness,” she says. “Do you feel grounded, validated, and calm, or anxious and hyper-vigilant and confused?”
How to embrace the slow burn
And if you want to break free from dead-end cycles and build a love that actually lasts, Gillian says that it’s time to retire from the hunt for immediate chemistry and embrace that slow burn.
“A slow burn does not mean settling for someone you find unappealing – it means giving attraction room to bloom naturally out of genuine acquaintance, shared laughter, and mutual respect,” she says.
Gillian suggests giving potential partners four to five dates before making a final judgment, provided they are respectful, engaging, and aligned with your values.
“Real attraction is multifaceted,” she says. “As you discover someone’s character, humour, and kindness, physical attraction frequently catches up and deepens in ways that pure lust never can.”
“It is built quietly and intentionally between two people who choose each other based on character, kindness, and shared outlook on life.”
So, the next time you return from a first date, resist the urge to ask yourself if the chemistry was mind-blowing. Instead, ask whether your date was kind, capable, and honest, and if you felt relaxed and valued in their company.
“Give the slow burn a chance because you might just find it lights up the rest of your life and gives you the chance to find the lasting love you deserve,” says Gillian. After all – you don’t want someone who’s good at dating. You want someone who’s good at a relationship.
Gillian McCallum is CEO of Drawing Down the Moon – the UK’s most trusted and longest-standing matchmaking agency. She has a wealth of knowledge and insight regarding human interaction, connection and relationships, and has an unrivalled passion for connecting people based on values as well as an uncanny gift of identifying what makes two people truly compatible.
