If you suspect a friend or family member is being abused, it can be hard to know what to do. We asked trauma-informed therapist and writer Dr Deborah Vinall how to spot the signs of coercive control, and how we can help a loved one in need.
Words: Amy Mica Marsden. Images: Shutterstock
Abuse is not always physical — and we can’t always find traces of it on a person’s skin. Instead, some abuse lurks behind closed doors, hushed voices, and cancelled plans.
According to national domestic abuse charity Women’s Aid, there were 49,557 offences of coercive control recorded by the police in England and Wales in the year ending March 2025.
Unfortunately, this means coercive control is not uncommon. In fact, someone we know could be experiencing the effects of coercive control right now, but it can be hard to spot if you don’t know what to look out for.
What is coercive control?
Coercive control is a form of domestic abuse. It is a pattern of behaviour whereby the abuser will attempt to control aspects of their partner’s life – such as their behaviour, their relationships, the way they dress or act, and how often they leave the house.
Some of the common examples of coercive behaviour listed by Women’s Aid include:
- Isolating you from friends and family
- Depriving you of basic needs, such as food
- Monitoring your time
- Monitoring you via online communication tools or spyware
- Taking control over aspects of your everyday life, such as where you can go, who you can see, what you can wear and when you can sleep
- Depriving you of access to support services, such as medical services
- Repeatedly putting you down, such as saying you’re worthless
- Humiliating, degrading or dehumanising you
- Controlling your finances
- Making threats or intimidating you
If something feels off about a loved one and their relationship, it’s important to handle it with care and sensitivity to avoid making the situation worse.
How to spot coercive control from the outside
Deborah Vinall, trauma therapist and author of Gaslighting: A Step-by-Step Recovery Guide, shared with us some of the signs to look out for if you suspect a friend or loved one may be being controlled.
Changes in behaviour patterns
‘You might notice your friend or family member behaving in ways that feel incongruent with who you have known them to be,’ says Deborah.
Defensiveness of their partner
‘Paradoxically, when in a coercive relationship, people won’t necessarily signal distress directly, but try to manage the cognitive dissonance internally while protecting their partner outwardly,’ Deborah explains.
‘This may be because of inner conflict over the relationship, or to protect themselves from retribution for speaking out.
Withdrawal
‘Coercive people limit their partners’ social support systems in order to make them more dependent upon them and less subject to influences that might draw them away from their control.’
Loss of confidence
‘People lose confidence in themselves, intuition, and choices when under the influence of a coercive person,’ says Deborah. ‘Coercive partners often use gaslighting to intentionally undermine self-trust and reinforce dependency on the version of the world they want them to see and believe.’
You rarely have time with them alone
‘The controlling partner is present on speakerphone during calls, is included in group versus solo texts, and comes along when you invite your loved one somewhere, too.’
Frequent communication without joy
‘The partner may constantly text them to monitor and control them, but the interactions don’t make your loved one smile or laugh.’
What can you do to help?
‘If you notice your loved one has lost their sense of joy and self-confidence, acts frightened or timid, or no longer seems well, it may be time to act,’ says Deborah. But knowing the right thing to do can be intimidating – especially as we don’t want to make the situation worse.
The first thing we should do is start a private, judgment-free conversation with our loved one and gently share our observations and concerns.
‘You might assure them that they have a safe place to stay with you if needed, or that you can help them secure safety, as coercive behavior often accompanies threats, intimidation, and violence,’ explains Deborah.
She also suggests that, if they’re open to it, you might consider sharing some resources with your loved one. These may help them see their situation through clearer eyes. Resources can include self-help books on emotional abuse, coercion, or gaslighting.
You may also be able to help them create a safety plan, should things escalate – but don’t force this on them if they’re not yet open to the idea.
At the end of the day, it’s important not to try to take control of the situation yourself or override your loved one’s free will.
‘It often takes time for someone in a coercive relationship to find the courage to leave,’ says Deborah.
‘Knowing they have your support can create the scaffolding necessary to help them build this courage, even if they don’t accept your help right away. Difficult though it is, where adults are concerned, we have to respect their autonomy to decide whether to stay or leave.’
You can read Dr Deborah’s Substack Mental Health Musings here.
For more resources on domestic abuse:
Women’s Aid runs the UK Domestic Abuse Directory for your local domestic abuse service at www.womensaid.org.uk
The National Domestic Abuse Helpline is 0808 2000 247 (run by Refuge)
