With growing (ahem!) numbers of men unhappy with the size of their manhood, is bigger actually the better? As it turns out, not quite
While studies show that around 45% of men globally are dissatisfied with the size of their manhood, a recent report by ZipHealth has actually revealed what 800 heterosexual women consider the desirable size of an intimate partner – and it’s bang on average.
Most women in the study reported 5.5 inches as an ideal length – and with the average length being reported to be 5.17 inches, it’s clear that some things are better in moderation.
“Size doesn’t matter to women,” says Psychosexual & Relationship psychotherapist, Silva Neves. “Men’s anxiety about the size of their manhood is mostly because of the unhelpful masculinity messages dictating that their size is a reflection of how much of a man they are, and, obviously, it is incorrect.”
So, what does matter in the bedroom?
Believe it or not, a study held by the National Library of Medicine found that, out of 134 participants, it was emotional intimacy that appeared to act as a precursor of sexual desire, even acting as a turn on in increasing the odds for sexual activity to occur.
“What matters is the clear communication and erotic attunement,” says Silva. “This is not just for people in established romantic relationships, but it is also important in casual sexual relationships and one-night stands.
“Clear communication helps with consent and makes sure both parties are on the same page. Erotic attunement naturally happens once clear communication is in place, allowing those involved to let themselves enjoy the moment, knowing that they are on the same page, and that they can play and be creative with it. Erotic attunement is what makes sex great, both in an established relationship and in a casual sexual relationship.”
Emotional intimacy – the truth
But while higher levels of intimacy are associated with higher sexual desire, there is also a bit of a misunderstanding when it comes to bringing our emotions into the bedroom – but not in the way that you might think.
“The problem with the term ‘emotional intimacy’ is that it is misunderstood and people feel that they have to have emotions for good sex – but it is not always the case,” says Silva. “People can have great sex without involving emotions like love, and just experience pure lust, which is an emotion in itself – although many don’t associate lust with emotional intimacy.
“In a long-term relationship, people can have ‘loving sex’ where there is a lot of emotional intimacy – but sometimes, they might also want to have sex only with lustful energy, which is just as good. People in casual relationships can have great erotic intimacy and attunement, but not necessarily any emotions of love.”
It’s not quite unpacking an emotional pile-on with each other when your head hits the pillow. Sexual intimacy gets all of us feeling vulnerable, and requires genuine respect between both partners in order to remain on the same page, which, in turn, enhances all forms of desire.
“The most important traits for both a long term established relationship and for casual sexual relationships are respect and trust,” says Silva. “People need to be able to trust and be respectful to each other if they want to explore their sex lives and their erotic world safely.
“It means not being defensive or angry if a partner says that they want to change something in their sex lives, but instead to be curious and in collaboration to change things for the goal of mutual pleasure.”
Have fun with it
There’s no need to leave the jokes at the door – nobody wants to lay their cards on the table like it’s a work meeting (unless you’re into that). Once consent has been gathered and you’re both on an equal playing field, that’s when the real fun can begin.
“Fun is an essential component too,” says Silva. “A lot of the time, people approach sex as a performance, but good sex is not a performance. It is a collaboration for mutual pleasure and making it a performance stops people from having fun with sex.”
