Can you possess narcissistic traits without actually being one? Here’s how to work out if your personality traits are turning you into a narcissist – and why you might not need to worry
Words: Amy Dowrick | Images: Shutterstock
Labelling someone as a ‘narcissist’ has become a popular choice of vocab to describe those we consider a**holes in recent years – but is the term being misused? As a personality trait, narcissism can come in many different forms – but that isn’t quite the same as having narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
Narcissism is a spectrum – and according to Harvard Medical School psychologist Craig Malkin, we all have some narcissistic traits, which can explain why so many people misuse the term. “All it takes is one – or a few – narcissistic-seeming behaviours to make someone theoretically label someone as a narcissist,” says Craig. “The danger of reacting is that we can’t recognise those very normal tendencies in ourselves.”
“We all have these feelings – and they’re normal,” he adds. “You’re more likely to exaggerate them and turn to the extreme if you can’t own that that’s an important drive in you, and if you can’t even acknowledge it’s there.”
But as a mental health condition, there’s just one diagnosis. According to Psych Central, NPD is usually diagnosed when narcissism extends beyond a personality trait and persistently affects many areas of your life. But how can you tell if your behaviours are extending beyond a personality trait, and are becoming a serious cause for concern?
We take a look at what it takes to be a narcissist – and why your own red flags don’t necessarily mean you are one.
What is NPD?
While narcissism is a spectrum, narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition where those diagnosed tend to have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance and an inflated sense of self. Traits can include extreme confidence, an inability to show empathy for others, and not being able to take criticism (to name a few).
According to Mayo Clinic, those with the disorder can:
- Feel that they deserve privileges and special treatment.
- Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, or beauty.
- Believe they are superior to others and can only spend time with or be understood by equally special people.
- Be critical of and look down on people they feel are not important.
- Take advantage of others to get what they want.
- Behave in an arrogant way, brag a lot and come across as conceited.
While the list goes on, the causes can be quite complex, and are usually affected by environment, upbringing and genetics.
But according to licensed therapist Tony Overbay, if you’re worried your own personality traits might be aligning within the spectrum of NPD, you more than likely don’t need to be concerned. “If you’re asking yourself if you’re the narcissist, you’re not,” he says. “But do you maybe have a few traits or tendencies? Most likely, because you’re a human being – and for most of us, when we feel criticised, those traits are deep within our DNA.”
Can narcissistic traits be good?
Craig suggests that having narcissistic qualities can actually be fairly healthy, and that as a society, we are growing increasingly intolerant to behaviours that we view as self-centred – while some forms of narcissism are pretty standard in most people (and even have healthy aspects).
“The illusion that we’re special in some way – that we stand out from the other 8 billion people on the planet – actually does help us thrive,” he says. “It helps us persist in the face of failure and might even help with closeness in relationships.”
“Securely attached people feel that when they’re lonely, or when they’re sad, they can turn to one special person or special group of people – and they will matter enough to those people that they’ll be there for them and be a mutual sense of care,” he adds.
Craig suggests that securely attached people have ‘healthy narcissism’ – a trait that allows them to have a slightly overly-inflated view of themselves, and some positive illusions. But the most important part? They don’t cling to them.
“They believe they are special enough that it helps them pursue big dreams, or it helps them suffer the trials and tribulations of life and not feel completely knocked down,” he adds.
He suggests that if you can feel valued in a mutually caring relationship, and trust and depend on people that love you, flaws and all, you won’t need to sustain a sense of value in yourself with inflated views – and your thoughts won’t lead you down the road to full-blown narcissism.
Another example he gives of ‘healthy narcissism’ is the ability to enjoy and embrace popularity without feeling like it controls your value.
“If you’re completely invested in always being the life of the party, and you’re dependant on that for a sense of worth, it’s not so great,” he says. “But people who just enjoy it? Who, if it doesn’t go well, they can let that go – these people in the range of healthy narcissism are often charismatic, and good leaders.”
But, while he is suggesting that some traits commonly associated with narcissism can be beneficial for our ego and sense of self, it’s almost entirely dependent on control, moderation, and having a support system you trust – and not hurting anyone in the process.
