Life coach Yvonne Martin shares why delving deeper into your personal values is such a powerful exercise and will help you move forward in a meaningful direction
Words: Yvonne Martin | Images: Shutterstock
Spring and summer is often a time of fresh starts, new plans and promises to yourself. And while it’s good to make positive changes in life – I am a life coach after all – that energy can often come with a subtext of “you’re not good enough as you are”.
So, it’s encouraging to discover that if you’re looking to transform any aspect of your life – whether that’s your health, relationships, finances, work, or social life – you could find the key to getting there lies in being more you, by tapping into your personal values.
Your values are integral to you. Your most important ones have almost certainly been with you your whole life in some form or other, and when you work in line with them, you have a drive and clarity that feels good. Equally, when you live outside of them, life feels like a struggle and the energy, excitement and motivation you need are elusive.
Finding your values
Have you ever been in a situation when you were happily in the zone, moving forward with clarity, making decisions easily, completing tasks effortlessly? All because you were so peacefully immersed in a situation, activity or task that was meaningful to you? What values were you living with at that moment?
Contrast that with a time when you felt at odds with what was going on around you: a workplace where you were a square peg in a round hole; part of a social group that just didn’t get you; trying to achieve something that everyone said you should want, but never having had the drive to see it through; or indeed achieving great things only to discover your success didn’t mean much to you. Think about it: were you acting outside of your true values at the time?
If so, it can be painful. Empowerment coach Julie Brown (stillsassy.co.uk) says living like that ‘feels like being rubbed up and down against a cheese grater’. It can feel impossible to stick to an exercise routine, eat well, relentlessly search for a romantic partner or dream job, learn a language, take up an instrument, give up drinking for good or declutter the entire house – and do those things all at once!
Yet despite the discomfort it’s not always obvious that the root of the problem lies in the fact you have drifted away from your core values. ‘Nothing feels good, nothing fits, yet you can’t put your finger on why. You are disconnected, unsettled, and out of sorts. It can create tension, frustration, anxiety and sometimes burnout. You are drained and hollow,’ says Julie.
So why are your values so potent? And what will discovering them do for you? ‘Operating from your true values empowers you,’ says Julie.
‘You have clarity, focus and drive. Decisions are easier because you’re not torn between conflicting priorities,’ she adds.
It makes sense that if you decide to take more exercise because it feeds into a personal value about the way you want to live, you will be more motivated than if you’re doing it to gain someone else’s approval. By thinking about your motivation through the lens of your values, you can find a drive that wasn’t there before. If connection is a core value, your exercise motivation could come from wanting to be active and sociable, to have a strong network both now and years into the future. That’s a lot more powerful than exercising because of an external pressure to look a certain way.
Going deeper
But what if you’re not sure what your values are? ‘First of all, that’s normal. People often aren’t really thinking about these things on that deep level, but it’s easy to start,’ says mindset and life coach Claire Alexander (clairealexandercoaching.com). ‘It is helpful to look back at your life and think about when things were working out. A favourite job, a great relationship, perhaps. Ask yourself what you enjoyed doing then? Look at your achievements and what you’ve been proud of.
‘Begin to separate out the “shoulds” and think about what’s truly important to you. Look for patterns and themes emerging,’ says Claire.
Once you have clarified what your core values are, it can give you a new perspective on what’s going well and what isn’t. ‘It doesn’t mean you can fix everything, but you can understand why you maybe have feelings of resentment or frustration or anxiety that are playing out or simply feeling really exhausted,’ says Claire.
‘It’s about understanding that this is what’s going on, that your values are not aligned with your life. And once you know, it’s a great starting point.’
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Identify your core values
To discover your values, you must be honest with yourself. It’s not a question of right or wrong, but of what resonates with you. For one person, living simply and frugally may be a prime value; for another, a love of pleasure and luxurious things may be on their list. Security may be as important for one person as adventure and risk-taking are for another.
Think about different areas of your life such as your own personal development, your relationships, your feelings around success, your approach to money, health and wellbeing. What personal values make you feel that you’re on the right path for you?
- Step 1: Start with a list of possible values. There are many to be found online by simply searching “list of personal values”. Try to find a long list so you have plenty to choose from and add some of your own if they occur to you.
- Step 2: Sit down with pen and paper and consider them all. Write down 15-20 that resonate with you. At first you might find they all seem appealing. Or it might be that you’re not sure which are truly you, especially if you have not considered your values before, or have been living by someone else’s. Don’t overthink it, if a word brings you a feeling of peace, clarity or joy, then you’re on the right track.
- Step 3: Whittle that list down to 10. You may decide to take a break to let the ideas settle in your mind and consider where the values show up in your life. Remember that it doesn’t mean that the ones you discard at this point are not important, but the idea is to discover the most important ones.
- Step 4: Bring that list down to five values. These are your guiding stars for action this summer!
Yvonne Martin is a writer and life coach who helps people discover direction, clarity and confidence. Find out more at newwavelifecoaching.co.uk. And for a fresh take on happiness, wellbeing and the ageing process, sign up to her newsletter The Extraordinary Process at yvonnemartin.substack.com.
