If you and your partner barely touch anymore, don’t assume the relationship is beyond repair. An expert shares how to reconnect without putting pressure on sex.
Words: Amy Mica Marsden. Images: Pexels.
There are many reasons why sex can decline in midlife – but if sex in your relationship has declined or become nonexistent, don’t give up hope.
According to the University of Chicago’s General Social Survey, 15-20% of couples are in sexless marriages, having sex fewer than 10 times per year. And for couples who’ve been together for 20+ years, that number climbs to 25% or even higher.
But midlife sex coach, podcaster, and sexual counselor Dr Sonia Wright says that if you’re unhappy, it’s never too late to change things and start getting back to intimacy.
Why sex disappears
If your sex life with your partner has disappeared, it doesn’t mean something in your relationship is broken – especially not beyond repair. If you’re happy as things are, then there’s no need to try and reintroduce sex.
If you’re unhappy, however, the first thing you need to think about is whether or not you want to repair the relationship.
‘It’s important to be truthful and honest with yourself as to what you want,’ says Dr Sonia. ‘Because if you don’t like the person, I’m never one that’s going to advocate having sex with them… sometimes it’s a hard conversation with yourself that you have to have.’
If you want to make it work with your partner, other things could still be getting in the way of a fulfilling sex life.
As we age, a decrease in estrogen and testosterone can affect the vulva, creating something called Genitourinary Syndrome of Menopause (GSM). GSM is a common medical condition, often causing changes and discomfort such as dryness, burning, itching, and pain during sex.
‘Any time there’s pain associated with sex,’ says Dr Sonia, ‘Your body’s going to be like “no, this is not a good idea.”’
Similarly, a decrease in testosterone can affect male partners, too, potentially lowering libido and even causing erectile dysfunction. All of this combined can make sex more complicated for couples.
And not all issues with declining sex life are down to the physical – our minds play a huge role, too. In particular, if you find you’re having problems, this can start a shame spiral which is hard to break out of.
‘As soon as you bring shame in, that’s like a cold shower to libido,’ says Dr Sonia. ‘As soon as you feel bad about something, and for women especially… they might just shut things down and not say anything.’
Anxiety and pressure can make it hard to address the issues, which can compound over time. Dr Sonia says that sometimes even a touch can start a shame spiral, shutting sex down before it even begins. ‘If your partner’s touching you, just caressing your arm, your mind might jump to “they might want sex at some point, and that’s painful for me” or “I can’t get an erection,”’ she says.
‘… So you pull away, and then the other partner is like, there must be something wrong with me. I’m going to be rejected. So they stop even initiating the touch.’
How to re-ignite the spark
If you want to repair your sex life with your partner but you’re unsure of where to start, Dr Sonia laid out some steps you can try over time.
Communication is key
‘The first thing that needs to happen is communication. And so many people are like, I can’t talk about this. I don’t want to hurt my partner, but we’re not recognizing that by not talking about it, there is hurt that’s happening as well.’
Dr Sonia recommends setting guidelines for the conversation – for example, saying ‘We’re going to be talking about something that’s hard. If you need to take a break, ask for a break… we don’t have to agree on this, but if we can agree not to bring anger into this, we can acknowledge the pain on both sides.’
Be honest about what’s affecting both of you, and be open and vocal about it without judgment.
Once you’ve discussed what’s going on with your partner, the real next step is to address any physical health issues that may be getting in the way – for example, if you’re experiencing pain during sex, this should always be discussed with your physician before trying to reintroduce sex. Sex should never cause unwanted pain – for you, or your partner.
Bring back touch
Once the avenue is open, and you and your partner feel comfortable, Dr Sonia advises slowly bringing touch back into the relationship – but going slowly is key. ‘With communication established, you can start with non-sexual touch,’ she says. ‘You can have conversations about, “I would like to get more comfortable with you hugging me or caressing me.”’
You could follow a series of touching exercises developed by sex therapists, called ‘sensate focus’, suggests Dr Sonia. This involves a gradual reintroduction to physical intimacy, such as starting with getting into bed together with your clothes on, then over a period of time, transitioning to getting into bed with clothes off, and so on.
‘This is not all in one session,’ she adds, noting that it can take weeks or even months as both partners need to feel completely comfortable with each stage before moving on.
Redefine the idea of sex
One thing that can help is discussing and redefining the idea of what sex means to you and your partner. You may have been thinking of sex as purely penetrative – however, this is not the be-all and end-all.
‘I really think it’s important to have different concepts of what sexual intimacy is,’ Dr Sonia says.
‘So I would say, together with the communication, come up with 10 or even 20 different activities, like make-out sessions that don’t necessarily lead to extensive penetration… [or] a lap dance.’
This can help to take a lot of the pressure off, especially if you’re experiencing health problems that affect your ability to have penetrative sex.
Overall, Dr Sonia is keen to reiterate that pleasure is important. Try to communicate to your partner what feels good, what you’d like more of, what you’d like less of, and so on.
‘Take a level of responsibility for your pleasure,’ she advises. ‘Don’t put it on your partner… get to know your body, get to know your anatomy. Your vulva is always shifting and changing with estrogen changes, and nerve endings might be different… It’s important to know your body best.’
At the end of the day, it’s never too late to start making gradual changes and taking steps towards reintroducing sex into your relationship, says Dr Sonia.
‘It’s something that can be fixed. It’s not necessarily a quick fix, and it may not be an easy fix, but it can happen.’
