Editor-in-chief Katy Sunnassee considers the latest rise in separate sleeping and asks the question: is a sleep divorce healthy for a relationship?
Words: Katy Sunnassee | Images: Shutterstock
The term “sleep divorce” is currently trending on TikTok, with the hashtag “separate beds” having received more than 2.6 million views, while “sleep divorce” has racked up 950,000 views. One viral video features a new mum discussing the benefits of a sleep divorce. The comments are divided: half agree that separate beds should be normalised, while the rest declare it spells the demise of the relationship.
To me, it’s no surprise that TikTok users would be more likely to think that sleeping separately spells the end of a relationship – after all, most users of the app are in their teens and 20s. When I think back to my university days, I used to cram myself into a small single bed with my then boyfriend of 6ft 2in, which seemed fine at the time. I’m not sure how I got to sleep but he’d often be wedged up against the wall by the morning. The things you do when young, hey?
But, to anyone 40-plus, I’d say sleeping separately is quite normal. Or is it? One friend of mine, who is in her late 40s and has been single for a while, told me that even when she got back together with her ex temporarily, she just couldn’t sleep in the same bed as him anymore and needed her own space, so would ask him to sleep on the couch. I think the older we get the more likely we are to prioritise sleep as we just feel so rotten without it. And if this means sleeping on our own, so be it.
But it’s interesting to read that now more millennial couples are actively choosing a “sleep divorce”, as sleeping separately was often considered something for older generations. According to a recent survey of 2,000 adults by the American Academy Of Sleep Medicine, 43 per cent of millennial couples now sleep separately, which seems high.
In the UK, research by the National Bed Federation found that one in six couples who live together now sleep apart, with more than a third having done so for more than five years (that’s me in that last statistic – turn to page 98 to find out more).
The late Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip slept separately, but it’s not just a royal thing; my grandparents did it too. I used to love staying overnight at their large Georgian-style four-bedroom house as I got to sleep in Gran’s room, as she had two single beds. She’d sing me to sleep, and I’d be in the land of nod before she came up to bed. Grandad’s room had a double bed in it – so perhaps they slept together occasionally, but that never crossed my mind. It never occurred to me that it was weird for them to have separate bedrooms and I just thought that’s what you do when you get older, which is perhaps why I’m not too fussed about it myself now.
However, my parents slept together in what I now consider a tiny double bed – I’ve grown accustomed to a king size or larger as my feet go off the end of a regular double – but this was out of necessity as I grew up in a three-bed semi with me in one room, my brother in another, and my parents in the third room. There was a time my dad worked night shifts, meaning Mum would have had the bed to herself, but for the majority of their married life they’ve slept in the same bed and still do – and I now wonder how on earth they’ve maintained that!
Split down the middle?
The question is: could a sleep divorce make or break your relationship? A 2016 study from Paracelsus Private Medical University in Germany found that sleep issues and relationship problems are often linked. While an occasional bad night’s sleep won’t break your relationship, if you’re lying awake most nights due to your partner tossing and turning, or snoring loudly, it could be a good idea to consider separate beds – if you have space to do so.
‘A sleep divorce is a divisive topic and often people associate it with the crumbling of a relationship. However, this is not the case. Sharing a bed with someone can often lead to a restless night and a sleep divorce may actually be key to helping your relationship,’ says Kora Habinakova, a sleep expert at Sleepseeker (sleepseeker.co.uk).
‘A consistently poor sleep pattern can cause irritability, mood swings and impaired communication and problem-solving, all of which can put a strain on your relationship. So, if you find yourself losing sleep due to you or your partner’s habits, sleeping separately could be the perfect way to help both of you feel more rested and reduce conflict,’ she adds.
Many couples choose just to implement a sleep divorce during the week when routines are more rigid and work deadlines require a full night’s sleep, then come back together at the weekend when life is a bit more flexible. ‘When taking part in a sleep divorce, it is also important to place an emphasis on pre-sleep rituals, whether that’s sitting down to watch your favourite show or taking the time to have dinner together, to maintain intimacy and closeness,’ advises Kora.
If it’s just movement that keeps you awake, you could try having two beds in the same room. ‘This type of sleep divorce is perfect for anyone struggling with a partner’s restlessness in bed, however, it may not be suitable for couples with different sleeping patterns or if the issue at hand is snoring,’ says Kora.
A loss of intimacy
But not everyone feels sleeping apart is a good thing. Sleep expert Agnieszka Kozlowska, owner of wellness brand Miracle Leaf (miracleleaf.co.uk) explains why a sleep divorce might not be the best solution. ‘While sleeping apart may offer temporary relief from night-time disturbances, it’s important to acknowledge it can create emotional distance between you and your partner. Physical proximity during sleep fosters intimacy and strengthens emotional bonds; without it, couples may find themselves feeling disconnected and lonely,’ she says. ‘Relying on separate sleeping arrangements can inadvertently mask underlying issues within a relationship, too.’
Intimacy coach Victoria Rusnac, founder of chocolate brand For Play (forplay.co.uk), agrees. ‘Modern couples often spend very little time during the day and evening interacting and talking deeply. Most couples come home from work and switch on the TV to unwind, calling this “quality time”, however, it does nothing for building intimacy,’ she says. ‘Sleeping separately creates further separation and removes the possibility for “pillow talk”, which is important for fostering a higher level of intimacy and encouraging couples to be vulnerable with each other.’
And it’s not just irrelevant chitchat that takes place before or in bed – although I’m sure that happens too, as it does in my house when we’re in bed! ‘Chatting before the lights go out has been proven in studies to produce oxytocin, the bonding hormone. Without these moments of private, quiet vulnerability, couples may feel themselves drifting apart, or even not sharing key pieces of information they usually would do,’ says Victoria.
So, while a sleep divorce may not be for everyone, if you find a lack of kip negatively impacts your relationship, you could always try it for a few weeks. Just be warned: once you get used to it, there may be no going back!
What is a sleep divorce?
A sleep divorce is where a couple chooses to sleep separately despite living in the same home. There are a few ways to sleep divorce, from sleeping in separate beds in the same bedroom to sleeping in separate bedrooms entirely. Sleep is precious, so a sleep divorce may be a good option if you or your partner:
- Have different sleeping patterns
- Are light sleepers
- Are restless sleepers
- Prefer different temperatures
- Snore a lot
- Have young children
- Have sleep apnoea
