While narcissism is a spectrum (a whopping 10 different types), there’s one type of narcissist that is a lot harder to identify – and significantly more dangerous than the others. I discover what a covert narcissist is – and what it takes to deal with one
Words: Amy Dowrick | Images: Shutterstock
Widely considered a form of ‘silent abuse’, covert narcissists are much subtler than their overt counterparts (the arrogant ones) and use elements of manipulation behind-closed-doors to control their environment.
“It’s not the overt type,” says Trauma Therapist Caroline Strawson. “We can see what the overt narcissist is like. The covert narcissist is very different publicly to who they are privately.”
“Covert narcissism is one we don’t hear too much of”, she adds. “To me, they are one of the most dangerous types of narcissists. They are really like a wolf in sheep’s clothing.”
From understanding their manipulation techniques to identifying behind-closed-doors abuse, learning how to spot a covert narcissist can help you start your healing journey. I discover just how you can identify one – and what it takes to overcome them.
What is covert narcissism?
According to Caroline, the covert narcissist can sometimes appear quite shy and modest – which can make them really hard to spot.
“A covert narcissist is someone who is a narcissist but doesn’t outwardly display the grandiosity and sense of self-importance that many of us see as typical of a narcissist,” says Caroline.
She shares the 5 signs to look out for:
5 signs to spot a covert narcissist
Extreme sensitivity to criticism
While feelings of insecurity with narcissists are quite typical, in a covert narcissist this can manifest itself as extreme sensitivity to criticism.
“The way someone responds to criticism can really shed light on whether this sensitivity is extreme or not,” says Caroline.
“Someone that is a covert narcissist might act as if they are above this criticism,” she adds. “But internally, they are going to feel empty, humiliated and angry – and their dismissive sarcastic remarks are an attempt at hiding their feelings.”
Passive aggressive behaviour
“A covert narcissist may use passive aggressive behaviour to convey their inner frustration, or make themselves look superior,” says Caroline.
This can involve behaviours such as making others feel bad, procrastinating on tasks that they think are beneath them, and giving others the silent treatment.
Putting themselves down
“This is what makes it much more subtle than overt narcissism,” says Caroline. “They’re very clever at portraying themselves as the victim in putting themselves down.”
She explains that while all narcissists crave admiration and rely on others to build their self-esteem, covert narcissists tend to actively put themselves down with an underlying goal of earning compliments.
Introversion
According to Caroline, covert narcissists are more strongly linked to introversion than other types of narcissism and can spend a lot of time withdrawing to grandiose fantasies.
“They usually spend a lot of time thinking about their abilities and achievements than actually talking about them,” she says. “They kind of get locked up in that world.”
Depression and anxiety
“People who are covert narcissists actually have a higher risk of depression and anxiety than other types of narcissists because of this deep fear of failure in these unreliable perfectionist ideals,” Caroline says.
They may also struggle with feeling empty or suicidal – and Caroline says that many covert narcissists will even threaten suicide in an attempt to force the other person to make them feel better about themselves.
How to heal from a covert narcissist
If you’re in a relationship with a covert narcissist, Caroline suggests making sure you are in a group of people that can understand and validate you.
“There are nuances to abuse that we don’t necessarily understand,” says Caroline, who views ‘secondary gaslighting’ as a major manipulation tactic.
“The covert narcissist will act like the victim, and they will do subtle things to get praise from others – so you don’t get any sympathy from anybody because they don’t see it.”
Ensuring you have a support network who will believe your voice is crucial in seeing past the manipulation – and not fall for it yourself.
Maintaining a connection with a covert narcissist can be both frustrating and exhausting – but there are ways to find support. Caroline has set up her own recovery programme for those dealing with narcissistic trauma. Visit it here: https://carolinestrawson.com/the-narcissistic-trauma-recovery-programme/
