When sex feels different, distant or off the table altogether, it’s easy to think your relationship is broken. But some common mistakes are often behind the disconnection, writes Joe Warner.
Words: Joe Warner. Images: Shutterstock.
When intimacy disappears from a relationship, it rarely vanishes overnight. For most couples, it fades gradually – a gentle rejection here, a misread signal there – until one day you can’t quite remember the last time you had sex. If that sounds familiar, it’s little consolation that you’re far from alone. Many couples are now living in relationships without sex.
Research from the US suggests that 7 per cent of married adults haven’t had sex in the past year, and 4 per cent haven’t in the past five years. And around 15 per cent of couples who are having sex say it happens only very infrequently. And it’s not just down to a lack of desire: 43 per cent of people in their 50s are not having sex as often as they want, according to another US study.
In researching my book – a men’s guide to menopause and midlife relationships – I spoke to dozens of couples and experts and heard the same story time and again. Sex hadn’t suddenly stopped for a single, obvious reason. Instead, it had become more complicated, more inconsistent and, in many cases, totally absent – without either partner fully understanding why.
Sex, silence and self-doubt
When sex goes AWOL, it’s easy to assume something is wrong. With you. With him. Or with the relationship itself. After all, this was once the part of your relationship that felt most easy, exciting and enjoyable. So, when desire dips, or sex starts to feel awkward, uncomfortable or embarrassing, it can feel like something is seriously wrong. That’s when the doubts creep in.
You might question whether he’s still attracted to you. He may feel rejected or confused about what’s changed. You both know you’re no longer on the same page, but don’t know how to talk about it. Over time, that silence turns into pressure and distance, which makes any conversation – let alone intimacy – far harder to initiate. The reality is that most couples aren’t avoiding sex because they don’t care about each other.
It’s because life’s got in the way and you are both trying to reconnect from completely different places. Here are the most common mistakes that push couples further off course – and the simple steps to help you find your way back.
You haven’t lost connection – you’re just on different wavelengths
The mistake couples make
They assume the problem is sex itself. That’s because it is happening less, or feels harder or one of you wants it more than the other, something must be wrong – with him, with her or with the relationship.
What’s happening
For many men, sex is the fastest way to feel connected again. So, they go looking for the sizzle. For many women, it tends to work the other way round. They need to feel relaxed, emotionally connected, seen, supported and on the same team. They need time to simmer. Without that, any approach can feel too abrupt or pressured.
The sizzle versus the simmer is where couples start to misread one another. He makes a pass hoping to create closeness. But she first needs that closeness before intimacy feels possible. Nobody is wrong. The destination is the same, but the journey there is very different. Once you understand that, a lot of the rejection, confusion and crossed wires begin to make more sense.
What helps
If he goes straight to the sizzle but you want the simmer, explain what you need. A proper conversation, a hug, a quick check-in during the day. Feeling listened to. Time together without an agenda. Shifting the focus away from sex itself and on to connection creates the conditions your body needs to respond. That’s the simmer. And he may just find it’s exactly what he was after the whole time.
All-or-nothing thinking kills passion and builds pressure
The mistake couples make
They treat penetrative sex as the main event – or the only thing that counts. So if that’s not happening, it can feel like intimacy isn’t happening at all.
What’s happening
When sex gets reduced to a single goal, it increases the pressure to perform – and to enjoy it. But for many women, penetrative sex can feel uncomfortable or even painful during perimenopause because of changes in lubrication, sensitivity and tissue health. If that’s the only version of intimacy on offer, it’s not hard to see why desire starts to fall away. It’s not that desire has disappeared – it’s that the version you’re aiming for no longer fits how your body feels.
What helps
Put more on the menu. Intimacy doesn’t have to follow the same script every time, and it doesn’t have to end in a particular way to count. First, second and third base all matter, and many women in perimenopause say that foreplay is far more important and enjoyable than the “main event”. When you widen the definition of sex and make it easier to say yes, things start to feel more natural again. You’re not trying to get back to how it used to be – you’re working out what works now. Talk about what you enjoy outside of the bedroom, when there’s no pressure or expectation. A great place to start is to each suggest three things you would like to revisit or try. No pressure, no judgement, just a few ideas to restart the conversation – and your connection.
It’s not a lack of desire – your body just feels different
The mistake couples make
When sex starts to feel different – or stops altogether – it’s easy to assume your desire has gone for good. And from his side, it can look like rejection – or that you’ve fallen out of love with him.
What’s happening
For many women, midlife changes how sex feels. Lower oestrogen can affect lubrication, sensitivity and comfort. What once felt easy can start to feel dry, sore or just not quite right. And when something that used to feel good starts to feel uncomfortable, your body doesn’t lean in – it pulls back. Add in poor sleep, fatigue, stress or anxiety, and it’s no surprise that sex drops off your to-do list.
What helps
Start by listening to your body. If something doesn’t feel right, slow things down. Make comfort the priority, not the outcome. But just as important is saying what’s going on. If he’s reading it as rejection, and you’re experiencing it as discomfort, you’re both reacting to completely different versions of the same moment. Let him know it’s not about a lack of attraction or love – it’s about how your body feels right now. That you still want closeness, just in a way that works for you. This can help to ease pressure and bring clarity instead of confusion – so you can start talking more openly about what you need and want.
Joe Warner is an award-winning journalist and bestselling author. His new book, Burning Up Frozen Out: What Every Man Needs to Know About the Menopause – But No One Told You (£16.99, John Murray Press) is out now. Find out more at burningupfrozenout.com and instagram.com/joewarneruk.
